Kill Joys

Kill joys those people so unhappy with themselves,their lives,their choices and life in general. Those people who see another person happy, full of joy living their life unapologetically. They see those who are fulfilling their dreams and doing what makes them happy so they have to destroy it or try. Misery loves company and when those people can’t find their own happiness they will use all their energy attempting to kill your joy. 

Now don’t get me wrong I am not judging anyone. I am simply stating facts as I am guilty of being that unhappy kill joy myself during my darkest hours. Fortunately, I changed and healed. No matter how much darkness I experience or how many people try to kill my joy, I stay in my faith and refuse to allow myself to be lowered into their negativity.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I have many things I’ve done I am not proud of. Do I regret any of them? No I don’t. I am who I am today because of them  and I learned from them. I will not apologize for them and I will not let them define who I am as No-one on earth  could understand the things that I endured and that led me to those situations. Mistakes are just that mistakes, I am human. 

I am brave ,strong and beautiful. My heart is pure and good, I love with all my heart, I am generous and trusting and haven’t let those experiences bad or good change who I am at the core. 

I am living my dreams ,I have paid my dues and then some and I have so many experiences that when I die , they will never be able to say I didn’t live, love or experience life to the fullest. 

I might slide into death bruised ,scarred, battered and beaten, but never ever defeated!!!!! Go find your own Joy and Happiness and stop being a Kill Joy!!!!

Ask and you shall receive

image

Ever since I was a child I have dreamt of the Rockies and Colorado. As an adult I became a Broncos fan and I have been to many states but I have never seen the west coast.

image

When I was a teenager I wanted to move to California and start a rock band as I even started to learn to play guitar and piano. Well that never happened I became a mother instead.

Kids are grown and now all my dreams are coming true slowly but surely. I am writing which is huge as I have always wrote. Music, poetry and even many many journals. I even had a poem published but has all been on negativity,
Hurt and anger.

image

I always had a hard time writing when I was happy as if I had nothing to say or maybe I was to busy being happy. But now the words are flowing out of me like water I am full of love and gratitude and peace. I truly don’t care what anyone says or thinks because you see they are not me and they can not affect me any more.

I have finally seen the light after what I hope to be the worst of the darkness and I am living out my dreams and desires and doing what I have always wanted to. Most people are to afraid to leave their comfort zones and wander off into the unknown. I am just the opposite, I thrive on it.

image

So when I knew I was going on the road all I could think or talk about is Colorado and how I had to see it. The first week out and we get sent to Denver. It seems as though the universe is just shining on me. Every time I ask it sends me my wishes and then some.

I pray and talk to my angels daily. I have changed my way of thinking and I don’t let the haters hurt me anymore rather I send them blessings. I pray for them. I truly want everyone to be happy and blessed and now I am so blessed and happy and everyday full of abundance and gratitude.

A friend once told me to be careful what you put into the universe because it listens and I am a firm believer of that now. So next time you truly want something focus on it as if it were already here. If it’s for you it won’t pass you.

Divine intervention

Hand-of-God

Obviously God has sympathy or a plan for me I’m still not sure why I am walking this earth. I’m a total free spirit as I like to do what I want when I want and God forbid I answer to anyone or feel restrained by rules, because no matter what they just do not apply to me!

In 2010 I was in a very abusive marriage and had spent three years having surgery after surgery. I was in my mid 30’s and I  went from having an awesome career and being a very healthy individual to having multiple surgeries and not being able to work. Depression is putting it lightly as I was giving up on life as I had never had to depend on anyone and even though I was surviving I had become very co dependant on my spouse.

My husband was a mean drunk and I was drinking and playing in the snow to cope with the fact my life would never be the same. I had a full knee replacement at 34 that was never right, my back was really bad and then I had to have an emergency hysterectomy to remove cancer.

There were four churchs near my house and buiytine I drove by I kept telling my husband I need to go back to church I am feeling a pull I was feeling drawn yet instead I flipped the scale and got completely absorbed by the darkside. Yep the devil got a hold of me and wasn’t letting go.

The more abuse I endured the deeper I fell, I was living in hell on earth and I couldn’t see the light anywhere in sight. I tried so many times to walk away yet I just wasn”t strong enough, I wasnt done learning a lesson or I was simply and completely destroyed or at least I thought.

I held on for about 3 more years on deaths bed more than once I was heavily medicated which probably and no doubtly played a large role in my road to my near demise. At one point someone even attempted to kill me by putting one of my fentlyynal patchs in my pepsi. My throat closed I had shooting pains up my left arm and I jumped in my Jeep and drove myself to the hospital. At first they thought I was crazy when I told them what happened till they did and eeg then they immediatly put me in a room and started to reverse the affects.

Yep I almost died that day and because of the snow in my system they chalked it up to an overdose. Lucky bastards almost got me and got away with it.

A few months later I ended up in the hospital with an infection in my good leg and it almost cost me my leg. I had been running for months since the last incident scared for my life. Noone beleived me and I felt so alone. I was so frail and malnutritioned because I had stopped eatiing months before and stayed numb at any cost. I was subconsciously trying to kill myself, I was physically,mentally and emotionally done, spent over this life.

Again I caved I returned to my husband as I just figured he was the only one who gave a shit about me or at least I thought. After a few attempts to leave, even moving all the way to Texas and returning again I finally finally in 2013 packed my Blazer up for the last time,filed divorce and drove my ass to Florida to stay with my step dad’s first wife.

She was the mother of my step siblings and probably the only reason I am still here today. She told me the only condition was I had to go to church with her mom that was not a problem for me as a matter fact I was looking forward ro it.

Growing up I loved going to church and even through all my crazy experiences I was very spiritual. Mom was very spiritual not so much religious but she has a way about her that just makes you look at life differently. She has this peace about her and she knows how to make you feel loved. Everyone calls her house “The retreat”, that retreat saved me in so many ways and changed me for life.

I ended up going to this little southen Baptist church with some amazing people and I was at home I even got baptised which was the most amazing experience I think I have ever had. I immediately had this smile and peace I have never had and I was healing and I was experiencing a sober peaceful life. My depression was subsiding and I was finally living again.

I lived in that little town for about 6 months and then I moved further south with a good friend of my cousins to help her take care of her boyfriend who had a terrible motorcycle accident and suffered a brain injury. I was completely and totally devoted to that situation as it brought me so much joy.

After about 8 months of that I was drained and I got realy really sick again which landed me in the hospital again for about two weeks with yellow jaundice and liver failure. Something with my stomach they still havemt figured it out but that lead me home to Michigan and only long enough to reunite with an old friend who talked me into moving to North Dakota with him.

At this point I was truely winging it my kids were adults and I was down for whatever. I was still soul searching and trying to find my place in this big ole world. Prior to leaving a friend had introduced me to her boyfriend s brother, he was a lot younger with toddlers but I was so drawn to him yet I was dating my old friend so I decided to go ahead with my plans because even though I wasn’t feeling the love I desired from him he was an old friend and I trusted him.

Unfortunately he was alot like my ex husband his alcohol was more important to him then I was and it ended alnost immediatly after we got to North Dakota. I had landed a job and was making friends so I decided to try to stay and make a go of it. I was constantly home sick, I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy I had met but I was out of touch with him so I just kept plugging away at my job.

After a couple of months I had got an apartment of my own and a car I was doing it, I was getting back to my old independant self again. I was alone there with a few close friends but I was gaining my confidence back and doing pretty good with the exception of a lot of partying.

Unfortunately I was doing to good and shining a little to much because quickly I found myself a target for haters and jealous girls who couldn’t compete so they decided to destroy me and run me off. I fought it for a couple months but eventually it took it’s toll on me, I was drinking really heavy again and at the end I even fell off the wagon and dove into the snow after being clean for over three years.

In the process of this I had gotten in touch with that guy I couldn’t stop thinking about. He was amazing and my saving grace through all I was enduring. We talked and talked and I finally gave notice at my job and was heading home. Then all my friends and customers put one hell of a guilt trip on me and tried to get me to stay and I almost did until the day passed I was suppose to come home.

I immediately became depressed and realized I had made a bad choice, I was in love and I was self destructing again because I was fighting between  my heart, head and my pride.

I wasn’t sure my 1987 Honda was gonna make the trip, I was saving up for a new car and I was trying to do the right thing until one night I was at work and I went to the bathroom and I still don’t know what the hell came over me, but I bolted I grabbed my purse and keyes and walked right out the door got in my car and started driving. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, until I did. I went home packed what I could in my little Honda grabbed my dog Biskit and we took off in rhe middle of the night without saying goodbye to anyone.

I had been praying hard everyday to help me with my decision, I was tired of moving,starting over and was scared to go home failing again. Well God truely works in mysterious ways  I beleive because a couple days prior to leaving my transmission was slipping. Everyone told me not to take it on the highway. Well I drove it all the way home from North Dakota to Michigan, straight through never once having a problem with it. I made it home and two weeks later the transmission and engine blew. 

Divine intervention: God brought me home safely to the best blessing ever. I didn’t want to leave everything I had worked for. I didn’t want those assholes to win.  God knew I deserved better and so did I and I have a house and another car and someone who treats me like gold. I am happy and sober and I’m still alive. There has to be a higher power I have absolutely No doubts!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Intution is it a gift or a curse?

Wow is all I can say right now. Every since I was 7 years old I have had visions and dreams about things before they happen. The first experience I can recall is having a dream my great grandmother died and waking to tell my mom only to find her in tears as she was hanging up the phone. I said to her “its grandma huh?” She looked at me with her mouth wide open and asked ” what do you mean? I said I dreamt she died. My mom was so surprised because I was right.

The next experience was seeing my father and having a conversation with him when I was about 9. Mind you he died when I was 19 days old so I knew very little about him. When I tried to hug him he disappeared and I ran directly to my mom and described him to a tee right down to his ears turning red when I told him my grandma wanted nothing to do with me. She was in shock.

I have had so many damn experiences it always creeps me out and disturbs me so bad at times I try to block them out. I either see a vision of whatever it is or I dream it, but most of the time I truely just feel something isn’t right and it comes in like an anxiety attack then I just have a very detailed thought. Its hard to explain but I just know.

It drives me crazy because when I confront whoever it might be they usually shut me down or out and tell me I’m crazy or its just my imagination. Well to be honest I really wish it was because I don’t know which is worse not knowing or knowing that your being lied to, betrayed or even cheated on.

I know it has cost me alot of self destruction in the past and now that I have become a little more accepting of it and learning to tap into it its actually a gift. I know Im not as crazy as everyone likes to think and its not my imagination like they always,always,always tell me. Nope I just know when I’m being fucked over.

 

Dying inside but hanging on with faith!

image

The intensity of the vibes around me is surreal I can’t explain it quite yet but it’s overwhelming to say the very least the constant buzzing around my ears.I’ve been reading up on and learning about arch angels and angel guides and the possibility of the gift of clairaudience.

I’ve always felt the presence and protection as I have lost all my parents and grandparents and have had so many close calls.Three years ago when I got divorced I also got baptized and became very spiritual. Although I’ve lost my way a few times over the last few years the one thing that brings me complete peace and comfort is talking to my higher power and my angels.

I can always  feel their presence as I am constantly healing emotionally,physically and spiritually. The way I see it, you have to believe in something and life is to short to be miserable. Whenever I loose my positive outlook or negative energy attachs to me the only thing that helps are my angels.

I have recently sunk deep. I drove a truck in the ditch and I honestly thought I was a gonner. It has literally taken  all the Life inside me because I’m trying to shake it off and go with the flow of thing’s. I’m Trying so hard to overcome the anxiety  from a couple weeks ago .

I guess noone gets it. I don’t expect them too its my problem. Just wish I had someone who wasn’t going through their own shit. Trying to believe in something greater and higher is not easy. Putting complete trust in something you can’t touch or see yet totally completely have faith. I’ve done this my whole life why is it so bard to do with someone I can see, touch feel and love.
Experience that’s why . I’m so afraid to let Go…cuz I’m not sure I can handle the crash. Such a big part of me  does yet this crazy girl who has done more dangerous shit than evil  K can’t let a feeling go. That shit is more dangerous to me than any physical pain. It affects me so deeply it feels like I’m paralysed.

My heart has been broken so many times and so many ways I can’t even count. Over and over I give my heart my trust and every time I get hurt and I get used or played or taken for granted. I admit there has been times in my life when I’ve made the wrong choices and picked the bad boy or known asshole against everyone’s advice.

I know what I am told but I’m so protective of myself anymore it seems like an impossible mission. I feel myself detaching daily and it’s painful. I am so tired of getting attached and close and then having to walk away.  But I’m giving it  to God and my angels because they never fail me never abandon me.

image

The Big Easy: one more checked off my bucket list!!

The big easy,oh how I had longed to experience Mardi Gras.Finally a couple very good friends and I decided to take a quick trip to Nola. To my luck it ended up being on my 43ed Birthday and was I ever excited.
We flew out of Detroit cold as could be and when we arrived in New Orleans it had to be 70 degreess and oh how that sunshine felt on my body. Winter blues had beaten all three of us down, we were all going through some major life crisis,so this was exactly what we all needed. We got the rental car and headed to the motel and on our way the weather changed so quickly we found ourselves in a tornado warning and the rain was coming down. The wind was blowing at least 20 miles an hour,we were disappointed as we were trying  to escape the crappy weather from our home state Michigan.
We decided to stop at Walmart to get something to drink and look at souvenirs. while we were in the checkout, a African American couple behind us were bickering and the next thing  I know I am being shoved by a grocery cart as the lady says “see what you made me do” .. I was shocked as I had overheard their whole conversation and she was reaming him out because he was checking me out and it just continued to escalate. I just wanted to hurry up and get out of there as this was our first encounter with locals and it made me very nervous.
As we walk out of the store I tell my girls “OMG everywhere I go I get in trouble”,then I explained what they were bickering about and we all laughed and headed to the hotel .
When we arrived at the Hotel my friend was trying to PArk under the carport but there were some guys parked there and she cussed them out for not moving up. We went up to our room and as we’re

getting

image

image

image

image

image

image

ready to head to the French quarter we smell a strong oder we are very familiar with, oh yeah MARY JANE….ahh..we were stoked since we couldn’t bring anything on the plane.
My friend went up to the guy and asked if he had an extra doobie that it was my birthday and we were hoping to find some. The guy was awesome and he gave us a bud and said Happy Birthday!! How lucky was that ,the weather wasn’t cooperating,but not even an hour in Nola and we had some weed.Hell yeah,Happy Birthday to me!!!

image

image

image

Just a silly girl in a silly world!

I honestly don’t know exactly what I am dong,but I love to write and I love to share my crazy adventures and experiences. Some are amazing and some have been tough,but I’m a survivor with a Gypsy/Hippie soul and I love to make people laugh and I like to be a sounding board when someone is going through tough times. So with that being said I’m just winging it and we will see what happens!

image