Obviously God has sympathy or a plan for me I’m still not sure why I am walking this earth. I’m a total free spirit as I like to do what I want when I want and God forbid I answer to anyone or feel restrained by rules, because no matter what they just do not apply to me!
In 2010 I was in a very abusive marriage and had spent three years having surgery after surgery. I was in my mid 30’s and I went from having an awesome career and being a very healthy individual to having multiple surgeries and not being able to work. Depression is putting it lightly as I was giving up on life as I had never had to depend on anyone and even though I was surviving I had become very co dependant on my spouse.
My husband was a mean drunk and I was drinking and playing in the snow to cope with the fact my life would never be the same. I had a full knee replacement at 34 that was never right, my back was really bad and then I had to have an emergency hysterectomy to remove cancer.
There were four churchs near my house and buiytine I drove by I kept telling my husband I need to go back to church I am feeling a pull I was feeling drawn yet instead I flipped the scale and got completely absorbed by the darkside. Yep the devil got a hold of me and wasn’t letting go.
The more abuse I endured the deeper I fell, I was living in hell on earth and I couldn’t see the light anywhere in sight. I tried so many times to walk away yet I just wasn”t strong enough, I wasnt done learning a lesson or I was simply and completely destroyed or at least I thought.
I held on for about 3 more years on deaths bed more than once I was heavily medicated which probably and no doubtly played a large role in my road to my near demise. At one point someone even attempted to kill me by putting one of my fentlyynal patchs in my pepsi. My throat closed I had shooting pains up my left arm and I jumped in my Jeep and drove myself to the hospital. At first they thought I was crazy when I told them what happened till they did and eeg then they immediatly put me in a room and started to reverse the affects.
Yep I almost died that day and because of the snow in my system they chalked it up to an overdose. Lucky bastards almost got me and got away with it.
A few months later I ended up in the hospital with an infection in my good leg and it almost cost me my leg. I had been running for months since the last incident scared for my life. Noone beleived me and I felt so alone. I was so frail and malnutritioned because I had stopped eatiing months before and stayed numb at any cost. I was subconsciously trying to kill myself, I was physically,mentally and emotionally done, spent over this life.
Again I caved I returned to my husband as I just figured he was the only one who gave a shit about me or at least I thought. After a few attempts to leave, even moving all the way to Texas and returning again I finally finally in 2013 packed my Blazer up for the last time,filed divorce and drove my ass to Florida to stay with my step dad’s first wife.
She was the mother of my step siblings and probably the only reason I am still here today. She told me the only condition was I had to go to church with her mom that was not a problem for me as a matter fact I was looking forward ro it.
Growing up I loved going to church and even through all my crazy experiences I was very spiritual. Mom was very spiritual not so much religious but she has a way about her that just makes you look at life differently. She has this peace about her and she knows how to make you feel loved. Everyone calls her house “The retreat”, that retreat saved me in so many ways and changed me for life.
I ended up going to this little southen Baptist church with some amazing people and I was at home I even got baptised which was the most amazing experience I think I have ever had. I immediately had this smile and peace I have never had and I was healing and I was experiencing a sober peaceful life. My depression was subsiding and I was finally living again.
I lived in that little town for about 6 months and then I moved further south with a good friend of my cousins to help her take care of her boyfriend who had a terrible motorcycle accident and suffered a brain injury. I was completely and totally devoted to that situation as it brought me so much joy.
After about 8 months of that I was drained and I got realy really sick again which landed me in the hospital again for about two weeks with yellow jaundice and liver failure. Something with my stomach they still havemt figured it out but that lead me home to Michigan and only long enough to reunite with an old friend who talked me into moving to North Dakota with him.
At this point I was truely winging it my kids were adults and I was down for whatever. I was still soul searching and trying to find my place in this big ole world. Prior to leaving a friend had introduced me to her boyfriend s brother, he was a lot younger with toddlers but I was so drawn to him yet I was dating my old friend so I decided to go ahead with my plans because even though I wasn’t feeling the love I desired from him he was an old friend and I trusted him.
Unfortunately he was alot like my ex husband his alcohol was more important to him then I was and it ended alnost immediatly after we got to North Dakota. I had landed a job and was making friends so I decided to try to stay and make a go of it. I was constantly home sick, I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy I had met but I was out of touch with him so I just kept plugging away at my job.
After a couple of months I had got an apartment of my own and a car I was doing it, I was getting back to my old independant self again. I was alone there with a few close friends but I was gaining my confidence back and doing pretty good with the exception of a lot of partying.
Unfortunately I was doing to good and shining a little to much because quickly I found myself a target for haters and jealous girls who couldn’t compete so they decided to destroy me and run me off. I fought it for a couple months but eventually it took it’s toll on me, I was drinking really heavy again and at the end I even fell off the wagon and dove into the snow after being clean for over three years.
In the process of this I had gotten in touch with that guy I couldn’t stop thinking about. He was amazing and my saving grace through all I was enduring. We talked and talked and I finally gave notice at my job and was heading home. Then all my friends and customers put one hell of a guilt trip on me and tried to get me to stay and I almost did until the day passed I was suppose to come home.
I immediately became depressed and realized I had made a bad choice, I was in love and I was self destructing again because I was fighting between my heart, head and my pride.
I wasn’t sure my 1987 Honda was gonna make the trip, I was saving up for a new car and I was trying to do the right thing until one night I was at work and I went to the bathroom and I still don’t know what the hell came over me, but I bolted I grabbed my purse and keyes and walked right out the door got in my car and started driving. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, until I did. I went home packed what I could in my little Honda grabbed my dog Biskit and we took off in rhe middle of the night without saying goodbye to anyone.
I had been praying hard everyday to help me with my decision, I was tired of moving,starting over and was scared to go home failing again. Well God truely works in mysterious ways I beleive because a couple days prior to leaving my transmission was slipping. Everyone told me not to take it on the highway. Well I drove it all the way home from North Dakota to Michigan, straight through never once having a problem with it. I made it home and two weeks later the transmission and engine blew.
Divine intervention: God brought me home safely to the best blessing ever. I didn’t want to leave everything I had worked for. I didn’t want those assholes to win. God knew I deserved better and so did I and I have a house and another car and someone who treats me like gold. I am happy and sober and I’m still alive. There has to be a higher power I have absolutely No doubts!!!!